[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
why am I working on Labor Day
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there