2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
next question.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
anyone else like Italian cereal