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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.