2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
calling in to work dehydrated
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
time machine? you mean a clock?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
this is me
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*