[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
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To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Wake me when AI does housework
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…