[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
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*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“