[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Meow
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.