2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.