[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
You Might Also Like
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
October already? What’s next? November????
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.