[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
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*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
you know what ruined my childhood? children