@joejwest: The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

@mofrorock: Stupid cats, can't even YOLO

@MikeOdenthal: Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I'm ok never handling a firearm.

@TheCatWhisprer: [fancy restaurant] HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed ME: this is my service chalupa

@Sir_Strange: "Oh my god, you've gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mother