20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
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“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
i- i did not expect this
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.