20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
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A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Well well well…
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.