20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.