20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
This is my brand.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.