@DanLaMorte: 21st century kid on Santa's lap-"Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh"
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@johntabin: Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
@TheToddWilliams: [chef interview] BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon ME: Yeah, that means you're missing a jar
@Mr_Kapowski: [helping my kid with contractions] Me: Would've Her: Would have M: Nice. I'll H: I will M: Good. Won't H: Won not M: Excellent
@ericsshadow: [at my high school reunion] Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb's house? "Dude that was in 1991."