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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
❤️🦆
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]