22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
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me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”