Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
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I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
☠️☠️☠️
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!