24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.