What in the hipster hell is going on here
You Might Also Like
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear