2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
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Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem