2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this