3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.