*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
You Might Also Like
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”