3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”