In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”