3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
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All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer