“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.