CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
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[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day