Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
*seductively corrects your posture*
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.