Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
You Might Also Like
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task