3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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