3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
happy mother’s day❤️
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.