3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections