3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
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Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.