3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.