3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
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My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
We found love in a hopeless place.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.