I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
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Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
No. YOU-buprofen.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
A man of commitment.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot