@HannahAntics: 30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
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@Cpin42: Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? [flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”] Me: It was just time for a change.
@TwatyTweets: When I have kids I'm gonna tell them drugs are good for them. It's the only way I can be sure they won't try them.
@AimeeHelene1: Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle? CW: Yeah....just surprise me. Me: *comes back with no food* SURPRISE!