We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.