30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.