30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.