if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
marvel comics have peaked
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
this is funnier than any friends episode
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories