35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.