37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
You Might Also Like
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
nice challenge
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.