It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
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Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
he chose this
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun