3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Pandas 🐼🖤
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?