Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
this is the greatest thing ever
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie