3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”