OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
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*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Squirrels before girls.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little