Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.