I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Put the is in disheveled
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.